A talk in the retreat in Quebec, Canada, 2004
It’s possible to get rid of ego states and remove them, but you have to know what you’re looking for. You can’t destroy an ego if you don’t understand it.
The egos are based in animal drives, which are necessary for survival. Yet the animal nature of humanity is the cause of so much suffering, both in the world and within each individual. The human psyche has its origins in the animal kingdom and animal drives motivate each person beyond their will, knowledge, or understanding.
Within these drives are the egos, and to see the egos look at your drives, emotions and feelings. To see these inner states is fundamental for inner change; to be unaware of them is to live in psychological darkness and ignorance.
The chattering of the mind and associated lower emotions and feelings go on constantly throughout the day, and this is an obstacle to love, silence, and peace, as it replaces clear thinking, awareness, and consciousness with subconscious images, compulsive thoughts and feelings, and most importantly, that which is below these aspects feeds, usually without a person having any knowledge of their true existence.
For lurking in the subconscious are the different egos, the various subconscious states such as anger, fear, pride, greed, etc. These manifest in lower thoughts, feelings, and emotions and take away awareness, stillness, and peace, which are qualities of consciousness, replacing them with the darkness of sinister energies and forces, which enslave the individual and collectively the whole of humanity.
If you’ve tried to be aware at some time, you may have perceived what it is to be here in the moment, and could therefore get a flavor of what it is to feel spiritual states, which can then give you something that you could aim for.
There are more advanced stages of spiritual development, which no one in the beginning can be given the experience of, such as those attained when having the soul, the Being, and higher parts within. What you can do at the beginning is to really see what you (the essence itself) are capable of through awareness and some of the other spiritual practices.
If you have found stillness, you will have some kind of knowledge of what inner silence is and what it is you are trying to achieve when you are aware in the present moment.
The real obstacles to inner peace and silence inside are the different egos. You may have some information about them—how they steal energy, how they make you feel unpleasant, give pleasure and pain—but the important thing is to know how to observe them.
Although intellectual information is useful, it’s not the same as having your own knowledge, the knowledge that you can get from seeing things for yourself. So it’s important to learn how to self-observe, and to be able to apply it throughout the day.
The different inner states, the egos, appear rapidly. They can appear one after the other in a sequence, or as big emotions that seem as though they will never go away. Observe the state and its corresponding thoughts very carefully, becoming aware, waking from the daydream, and reaching a state of neutrality in which there is an absence of the ego state.
If you know more about this esoteric work you can apply the technique of the inner death, which is to ask the Being (the female aspect, referred to as the divine Mother) to destroy that defect as it arises. Later, you can analyze and meditate upon an ego, and at the end of it, ask for its destruction, imagining that it’s outside yourself and that the divine Mother pierces it with a lance of fire; watch it get smaller until it disappears and at that moment imagine the spark of consciousness that was trapped within it returning to you. This is most effective when done during the practice of alchemy.
This calls upon a force greater than the mind to destroy an ego, which is the divine force of the Being. The mind itself is unable to remove a defect, nor change the fundamental nature of the esoteric structure of the psyche.
When the ego dies, the essence is liberated from it, and it joins the main free essence which most people have. Most of us start our life with a small amount of free essence; this is where all our spiritual principles are found. The individual has consciousness but does not have a human or divine soul in the true sense; these are merged with consciousness in the esoteric work. As each ego dies, the percentage of consciousness increases, but they only die when they are reduced to tiny aspects and have been thoroughly observed and comprehended.
To ask in the moment that an ego appears takes an effort, because you have to first observe—you don’t observe if you don’t do. The doing allows you to see what’s going on inside.
However, you may not make a sustained effort over time unless you have an intention to observe and that wish to observe is itself driven by a higher goal, such as getting free of the inferior dimensions or to achieve peace and stillness inside. If you have a goal such as these, you are more likely to want to die to your egos. The more esoteric experience and self-knowledge you have, the more you know why you’re doing it.
By sharpening self-observation, you can apply it more often. If you apply it occasionally, it won’t be effective. It’s ineffective to observe the egos just a few times during the day, because they crop up continuously, one after the other, and if you’re not observing you’ll miss them. Then, you will be bound by those egos you’ve missed, you’ll be acting through them, and time goes by with nothing having been done fundamentally, even though you might teach and do various practices. If you’re not observing yourself, you’re not seeing the egos and you’re not dying to them.
When you observe and die to egos in the moment, you should aim to have a sense of peace or stillness. If you’re not in stillness, the egos are manifesting or you are trapped in the mind.
Thought can be tricky because it’s needed; however, the egos get into thought, so for example you can have a worry won’t go away, or you think negatively about a person. Thoughts are often accompanied by negative or pleasurable feelings. If you observe an ego in a thought, then in the moment it arises, apply the technique of the inner death to the ego—ask the divine Mother for it to be disintegrated. When you see egos rapidly, die to them.
Keep your thoughts upon what you’re doing at the time, or whatever it is you need to think about at the time and train yourself, so that it becomes a natural way of being for you.
The pitfalls of self deceit
Self-observation must be functioning correctly to do this esoteric work. Simply joining a group, meditating, or teaching people won’t bring spiritual progress in itself; inner death, sexual alchemy, and sacrifice for others must work together to make progress on the spiritual path.
A person can be in self-deceit by not practicing the inner death properly and thoroughly enough. Egos are very tricky, and there is a resistance to removing them, which is why sacrifice is very important—the sacrifice of pleasures, of negative thoughts toward others, of feelings and thoughts of being better than others. and of any other egos that hide themselves deceptively.
Each person lives in their own little world, perceiving the wider world through the colored glass of the egos. If someone really doesn’t want to remove that colored glass, even though they apply technique of the inner death, they will be in a state of self-deceit, and ultimately will have very little spiritual strength.
Many actually try do this work while wanting to be a better version of themselves, without appreciating that this work involves dying to oneself, which is something very different.
Someone who practices alchemy but doesn’t die to themselves will turn into a hanasmussen, a person with a double center of gravity, with one side to their character that’s very spiritual, and another that’s very sinister.
They are formed because in alchemy the creative sexual energy strengthens the essence, but because they don’t die to their egos sufficiently. that energy also goes into feeding egos. Unfortunately, there have been a lot of people who have practiced alchemy and who haven’t properly died to their egos. They easily deceive people, and so can be very dangerous.
They can go from life to life deceiving not only others but also themselves too. Hanasmussens appear to have a very good and spiritual side, but underneath, there’s an evil, sinister side, which they have developed. It’s essential for anyone to observe and understand self-deceit and to overcome it.
Many have taken up the study of this work, but very few have actually managed to apply it properly and die to their egos. There’s usually a lack of sacrifice, and a lack of personal effort to actually apply the techniques, and laziness is very strong.
A person lives in a state of self-deceit when they really don’t think they have to die to their egos.
Some take this work as a religion, in which case they’re just happy to attend and participate, going through the motions contentedly. Even open-mindedness and skepticism without personal experience can be another framework for a belief system.
By carefully observing inside, you’ll be able to see many deceitful egos and ways of thinking which are yet to be discovered, but they will never be discovered if there is no clear and sustained self-observation, and they will continue to deceive you.
Then, a whole life will go by, wasted, and a life is a very valuable opportunity. How many beings exist on the earth? How many creatures live? It’s a phenomenal number. And how many have human bodies? And of those with human bodies, how many have access to the teaching? And of those who have access to the teaching, how many have actually taken it up? A human life in which someone takes up the teaching is actually rare.
To waste an opportunity like this is a tragedy that a person will only understand when death comes, and they, with their Being showing them, will see every moment that was wasted, every ego that manifested. And although you may not know or understand it, that is a terrible thing to go through. It is something that you will understand, because at some point you will be looking back upon this moment and seeing the opportunity that you once had.
It’s up to each individual whether they use that opportunity or not, or whether it is like another moment that passed in the events of life, just as they pass for all the people in the world whose lives go past and end—an end they don’t understand, but an end that becomes destruction and a nightmarish hell.
It’s very difficult to do this work, but life itself is difficult, having a body that breaks down, that ages, decays, and ultimately dies is not pleasant, nor easy. As many of those who have seen relatives or friends die can tell you, death can be grotesque. There is much suffering in life; animals eat other animals, people are born into poverty, misery, pain, and suffering. Through all of this, through the pain and the pleasure, there is an opportunity to awaken. Whether or not you use it is up to you. It’s purely an individual thing and no one else can do it for you.
Q: Sometimes I feel I’m trying to apply the inner death, but I don’t really see where I’m going, and as I’m doing it I sort of get worried by this ego if I can’t destroy it, I know, then I almost feel like identified with this ego I’m trying to kill but I don’t even really see what I’m trying to get rid of.
Belsebuub: Look at stillness, the center of the pendulum. If you have that as the point you want to get to, the point that is without the egos, then you see that every state on either side is an ego. Then you have a place which you are fighting to get to.
You can apply the inner death and carry on in ego states and confusion, but you’ve got to have the understanding of what it is you’re trying to get to, which is stillness, where the egos are absent, even if it’s for a moment.
I have experienced a similar thing as I’m sure everyone here has. In that situation, it’s like we know we’re looking for that stillness, for the awareness, but like a cloudiness is keeping us from getting it—so we apply the inner death to that cloudiness? Is that right? Or, are we not in a position to apply the inner death then?
That cloudiness is a consequence of the egos in the centers and the imbalance of energies that it causes. When the egos are in the centers, the egos steal the energies of the center they manifest in. A center that has lost energy to an ego that has fed from it looks to another center to get the energies from, primarily the sexual one. When the sexual center gives its energy, it looks to other centers to regain it from, but that energy which returns to it is polluted with energy from other centers, it is not its own, therefore it carries lower vibrations and mixed up energies that belong to other centers. In turn the other centers become flooded with sexual energy that itself was all mixed up. The result is cloudiness and low states and the drive to pursue pleasure.
So when you try to be a bit aware you can feel as though you are half drunk, a bit dizzy. You can’t focus; it’s almost like lethargy. That’s a result of the centers being imbalanced and mixed up and of you becoming aware of its effects. So what you have to do is just keep practicing the inner death and being aware for a sustained period of time until all that starts to clear. You’ll notice that in that cloudiness, in that lethargy, egos do arise, they are going to come up again and again from that, but keep applying the inner death to that, so that not only are they cleared, but also that the cloudiness is cleared. Then you see that you start getting more settled, the centers themselves become balanced, and then you’re clearer. If you want to balance your centers, practice the inner death and be chaste, chaste as in without lust.
I’ve noticed from practicing the inner death, when I feel clear, that you just ask, and then it can slice right through them, and so they just go and leave the centers. Then sometimes if I’m in a less clear state, it can be difficult, like the egos can almost override that intention to die or that impulse to die, and things get very messy.
The egos can go if they are small enough. If you’re in a good state with clear, balanced centers and you see a thought or an emotion appearing, and you ask for its disintegration, then it can go, there’s energy to get rid of it.
But when you’re imbalanced in the centers, they are already full of egos and each ego comes in to make the centers murkier. Even when you’re clear, if the ego is large enough it can just take over. When that happens, you’ve got to ask, even though you don’t feel like it. Otherwise you can just wait for time to pass, and for another ego to come in, their grip never loosening upon you, just changing.
When someone feels low there’s a drive to look for pleasure to alleviate that low state, so they might turn on the television, or play football, or turn to alcohol, etc. It’s an escape from the negative feelings within. It’s much more difficult to actually face that strong emotion, to see it, understand it, and to die to it.
In the long run, dying to the egos is the only way to achieve lasting peace, otherwise they just carry on in the same way, the centers are imbalanced, and misery crops up repeatedly. Just something small has to go wrong, a bad word can be said about you, or a negative thought appears, and misery arises, and this misery can go on and on. Sometimes there’s no end to misery unless you fall asleep or can distract yourself with the opposite feelings, by immersing yourself in entertainment or pleasures, to try to go the other side of the pendulum. But by going to the other side it’s still within the imbalance, and the counter swing is inevitable. When the entertainment ends, the mood can swing back and you can be left with a miserable inner state. So, it’s a vicious circle. The only way out is to be active, to apply the inner death, make sacrifices, and practice alchemy, ultimately breaking free of the chains and forces of inferior regions and creating the spiritual within yourself.
It’s important to get the centers balanced and to die to ego states even though you don’t feel like doing it. If you can do it, you’ll get spiritual strength, which will allow you to overcome the difficulties that always arise.
Opportunities for learning and changing are wasted if ego states arise and you back off from the work. If you do that then the ego feeds from psychic energies and gets larger, reinforcing the feelings and behavior associated with it. If however you observe yourself through whatever state arises and you persist with the inner death so that the ego goes down or away, then the next time it arises you are not as weak, as you have not allowed it to take so much food; in this way too, you gain inner strength and willpower over the egos and experience.
There is three percent of free consciousness, the rest in trapped in subconscious ego states. Should the ego die, then the consciousness which was contained within that ego (which allows a small degree of self-awareness while in the subconscious) goes back to the original consciousness, but it goes back with the knowledge of that defect. So then you have more consciousness, with greater knowledge of life and of egos, and as that process continues you become quite a different person.
The most common problem I have in daily life that keeps me from getting that peace during the day, is that there are details coming up and they’re very obvious and they’re very small, and those I can apply the inner death to them seemingly with ease, but then there’s always something at the bottom of it that’s very big. It’s this very big emotion that’s uncomfortable in some way. It varies, it could be like a negative or anxious sensation, but there’s always this big emotion at the bottom of it. I seem to be very incapable of making progress with the big sensations.
Alchemy helps a lot to shift those big egos. When in them, the centers are imbalanced and the state of the energies is very low and heavy, but it’s alchemy that cleans the energies and purifies them. Large egos need to be gradually reduced until they are small enough to be removed.
The inner death from moment-to-moment and awareness can break an underlying feeling. Once you see that it can be broken, you can know that there is real progress to be made. The more you break it, the more that you’re weakening the actual grip that that ego has, because you’re taking away its food—and by taking away its food, it has less strength over you.
You really have to work hard to break that underlying state, and that takes the psychological work, plus activity—that is activity in a general sense, as well as being involved in teaching and practicing. If you are teaching this work, you have a responsibility toward others, so you try to get as clear as you can be in order to help them, and by helping others you get spiritual help yourself.
If you have problems that are related to low states, try to deal with the issues and get an objective view of them, seeing clearly what you can and cannot do. Having someone you trust to talk to can also help to get an outsider’s perspective on things, as the mind can easily create and multiply problems way out of scale and context.
Also, by practicing with a group, there is a special strength that really helps someone to lift up out of negative states. The influence of environment and activity is strong. Yet if the activity is a family get-together, it’s just not the same; the whole of the forces around you are going to be different.
That’s why a group’s activity where you can practice with other people is very important, but you still need to have a clear goal as to what you want to achieve. It’s paramount for an awakening that negative states are overcome and removed.
Stillness arises in the absence of ego states; you can have it not just when you’re sitting down quietly, but you can have stillness in everything that you’re doing, in whatever you’re doing, if you achieve the samadhi.
Other talks from the retreat in Quebec 2004: